Aries: A swarm of ants, possibly allied with you possibly not, the stars wouldn’t clarify.
Taurus: With the right tools and preparation you will nail the job interview. Hammer, bring a hammer.
Gemini: Stretch your legs, remove your pants. Let a good thing be good. This is not a suggestion. This is a command.
Cancer: One day you will realize you are all grown up. The roots have taken their place and you have transcended the need for El Pollo Loco.
Leo: Who cares what motivates you? Save children out of spite. Help the sick out of hatred.
Virgo: Some people are attractive in the same way a venus flytrap smells nice.
Libra: Turns out you can feel better by just pretending you’re not sad forever! Just kidding you’d die a bitter and useless death.
Scorpio: Sluts are an important part of any social ecosystem. The world is a sticky, yet well oiled machine.
Ophiuchus: Leather is literally skin. Don’t think too hard about it.
Sagittarius: Homework is lame, all the cool kids are constructing intricate replicas of historical buildings by carefully melting tupperware with a cigarette lighter.
Capricorn: Life can just get radically better and worse with no input from you. You can just wake up one morning and find out your liver shut down because someone stuffed $35,000 into it while you were asleep.
Aquarius: While the stars and I agree with the labor theory of value we think you misunderstand. A kidney stone is not the product of your labor and is not an acceptable form of payment.
Pisces: The mistake is thinking there is a box in the first place.
Normal Horoscope:
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