in conclusion, dont let anyone on this dumb hellsite tell you you’re not lgbt. nobody in the real world cares. the discourse only exists on tumblr. so go out there and be you’re ace ass self and dont worry about the bullshit on this site.
Ever since I found out that the UNITED NATIONS include asexuals (and aromantics!) I don’t give a shit about the discourse™ on this hellsite anymore
(document published by the United Nations High Commission for Refugees)
My friend is feeling a bit down and feels like nobody will date her because she’s asexual. I want to let her know that people will love her even if she doesnt want sex.
Why are there so little notes
I would and am dating an asexual person. He’s pretty swell.
My partner & I are asexual and I can’t wait to marry the fuck out of them
Pros to dating an ace: Never have to worry about being cheated on because your partner has grown bored with your body or you won’t engage in certain sex acts
Cons to dating an ace: People invalidating your relationship as “just friends” (“just”??) even if you intend to get married/adopt kids etc because all they can focus on is assumptions about your sex life 🙄 The most minor of annoyances tbh
If you’re an abuse survivor asexual you are 100% valid
If you’re a mentally ill asexual you are 100% valid
lf you are a real person who identifies as asexual you are a valid asexual, don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise just because you fit certain boxes
I’m all of these things and I really appreciate this post.
If you think of asexual as “not having a sex drive,” then you’d probably be surprised to learn that aces used to be a part of the bi community.
But if you think of it as “not having a sexual orientation,” then it might suddenly become clear.
Because in a world where so many people only ever think of, or mention, “gay or straight” as possible orientations, there’s not that much difference between “not having a sexual orientation” and “not being either gay or straight.”
When the question is only framed as “which of these opposite points does your arrow point to,” I don’t feel like there’s a huge difference between your answer being “point???????” or “arrow???????”
When other people, especially older people, try to ‘educate’ you about how ‘sexuality is complicated’ and how ‘you might not be ace’ and that ‘you’re probably confused’ and that ‘you’re probably [this] instead’,
You run.
Sexuality is indeed complicated, and yes, you might not be ace. But these kinds of people couldn’t care less either way.
Helpful people give you the freedom of choice – whether that choice lasts a lifetime, or until the next morning. Helpful people give you the agency to make your own decision about your own, personal, private identity.
If someone is trying to collectively discourage questioning aces into forgoing their ace identity? That’s not helpful. That’s an illusion of help under the guise of liberation. They’re trying to make you into something they want you to be.
Whether their advice is helpful or not, to any degree, this type of gaslighting and manipulation is not what you deserve. You can get the same kind of answers and help and support from people who aren’t damaging and toxic.
Find people who will let you be ace. Find people who will let you be yourself.
Because my mother told me that all I needed to do was get drunk and lie back and let me husband have his fun. Because if I was drunk, I’d be more relaxed and it’d be over sooner
Because my sister told me that I was trapping my husband in an abusive marriage, and that one day he was going to leave me
Because both of them looked at me in disgust
Because my asexuality is considered to be as great a crime against my husband as a woman who has affairs and cheats on her husband
Because my cousin didn’t even try to understand, and just kept asking ‘but what about in five years? how will you feel then?’
Because I was so afraid of my body and so afraid of sex that I didn’t seek medical help for a legitimate question for over a year for fear of being labelled a deviant or something broken
Because I still ask myself at least once every day if my husband wouldn’t be better off without me
Because I still ask myself at least once every day if I’m broken
Because I still tell myself at least once every day that I’m pathetic and useless and an abnormality
Because I love my husband with every fibre of my being, but everywhere I turn I’m told I really don’t, because love = sex
I need A to stand for Asexual because nobody ever talked to me about asexuality even when I was an outpatient at the women’s hospital for 18 months, and everyone told me desire would come in time
I need A to stand for Asexual because we are literally invisible, and so unimportant that people assume we don’t even need representation, because everyone assumes our lives must be bland and unimportant and lacking in challenges or bigotry
For every asexual that wants a relationship, for every asexual that does not want a relationship, for every asexual who has not yet come to terms with their identity, for every asexual who was told we were abnormalities, for every asexual who was told we just weren’t doing sex right, that we needed a good fucking, that we needed to be drunk, that we needed to relax, that we needed to be raped
We need representation, and we need visibility
That is why the A needs to stand for Asexual, and never for Ally
Daria Kerschenbaum is an asexual writer and artist working in New York City. You can follow her on Instagram @Daria_Kersch.
“[…]spinsters were seen as queer, not because they were not mothers or wives, but because they wanted to go into the public sphere and to break the gender boundaries between the private and the public.” — Hellesund Tone (Read Full Article)
I just… wanna remind people that asexuality was classed as a mental disorder by the DSM all the way up until 2013…. Because I feel like people don’t know this or like to ignore it because it doesn’t fit into their “asexual people don’t face discrimination” rhetoric.
Asexuality was only removed from the DSM in 2013. Please, know this and remember it.
asexuality is STILL in the DSM they still have a disorder that’s literally the definition of asexuality called “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” which is what they’ve always classified asexuality as. they just added a clause that said “if the patient IDs as ace it’s fine” but it’s not like the general population knows what asexuality is and people want to complain about how visibility is such a high priority for us jesus christ
thats a very good point. i knew about that distinction, but it bears repeating for people that see this post and arent aware of it
And that’s why we need the queer community to be like ‘no really we exist and it isn’t hurtful it’s quite fine they belong here with us, the other queers, who were just de-pathologized.’
*bang gavel*
I was going to college and grad school when the fight over this diagnosis being included in the DSM-V was going on.
If I remember correctly, the big push to keep it in the DSM came from the pharmaceutical companies who need this diagnosis to exist so that they can market a drug they are currently working on to treat “female sexual interest/arousal disorder”.
This diagnosis is so fucked up. It not only pathologizes Asexuals, it also pathologizes non-asexual women for having less interest in sex than men. This disorder literally used to be called “Frigidity” and feminist psychologists had to fight like hell to get the DSM to clarify that simply having a lower sex drive than one’s husband was not sufficient for a diagnosis.
The APA throws in that little disclaimer about being a “self-identified asexual” and the diagnostic criteria of distress, but they did the same thing before they removed homosexuality from the DSM.
A lot of people think that psychologists stopped considering homosexuality a disorder in the 1970s, but that’s not entirely true. They kept it in the DSM with a slightly changed name and a criteria that the person experience distress about being gay. This was used to justify “reparative therapy” for decades.
This diagnosis is just one part of the APA’s long history of pathologizing human sexuality, especially women’s sexuality. Women who deviate even slightly from the prescribed amount of sexual interest will find themselves labeled as either borderline or frigid.
lovingdread 