Two Medieval Monks Invent Bestiaries

em-ily-grace:

By Mallory Ortberg on The Toast

MONK #1: do birds have meetings
MONK #2: absolutely
they have a Meeting Hat and everything
MONK #1: what do they have meetings about
MONK #2: mostly who gets to wear the meeting hat

MONK #1: do human women sleep in beds or–
MONK #2: no that’s dogs you’re thinking of
MONK #1: right right

MONK #1: what part of the knight do fish go on
MONK #2: the head
MONK #1: thanks
MONK #2: oh absolutely
no problem at all
MONK #1: both lying flatwise across the head, or…?
MONK #2: no one on each side
like ears
MONK #1: ok great

MONK #1: so when a dog and a bird make out
MONK #2: right
MONK #1: it’s usually the bird that’s on top
right?
MONK #2: yeah
usually
MONK #1: great

MONK #1: hey is it owls or people that live in caves and build fires?
MONK #2: owls

MONK #1: hey roughly what size are sparrows
MONK #2: mm
it kind of depends
MONK #1: like
AS big as a tree
or not quite as big as a tree?
MONK #2: oh pretty much the same size as a tree

MONK #1: can cows sail boats?
MONK #2: hahaha no
common misconception
they have to put wheels on the boat and roll it over land

MONK #1: what do birds eat
MONK #2: other birds mostly
MONK #1: like different kinds of birds, or something else
MONK #2: no birds only eat exactly the same kind of birds that they are

MONK #1: what kind of bird tucks people into bed at night
usually I mean
MONK #2: any bird
any kind of walking bird
MONK #1: and when it tucks you in, people usually look…
MONK #2: incredibly worried
it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in

MONK #1: ugh sorry to bother you again
MONK #2: no no its fine
this is what i’m here for
what is it
MONK #1: what part of a goat is a snail again
like the front end or the back end
MONK #2: what part do you feel like should be the snail part
MONK #1: the back part?
MONK #2: you shouldnt doubt yourself
you know more about goats than you give yourself credit for

MONK #1: what usually rides horses
like people or–
MONK #2: fire

theawesomeadventurer:

Legend says if you go into the woods at exactly 4:20 am a rabbit will come out and sniff you once. If you put your palm out he will lick it and prompt you to follow him. If you do follow him, you will come to a well that is as deep as the center of the earth. It will not hurt nor help you to toss a penny down the well, but you must make a wish. If your wish is self serving the rabbit will come to you and lead you to a cabin where there is a single bed. You will fall asleep and then wake up at home with the experience feeling as though it was nothing but a dream. However, if your wish is for someone else, or something bigger than yourself, the rabbit will not reappear but instead Bigfoot will emerge from the trees with a huge ass blunt. She will light it and pass it to you. If you smoke up with Bigfoot you will learn all the secrets of the universe. No one knows what happens if you are straight edge.

fightwithnohr:

animestump:

they are a witch’s two familars and have never gotten along, but one day the witch disappears and so they must go on a cross-country search in order to bring her home. along the way, the cat learns to loosen up while the crow gains worldly experience, and they both become better friends

show me the Dark Homeward Bound